I am Czachi Menor-Reyes, I wanted to write that I am a depression survivor but I can’t. I was so busy and after my son broke the TV I have no access in the news today. I just learned that Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade died today. Both committed suicide.
Who will thought that someone like Kate Spade and Robin Williams were suffering of depression. Sometimes, the most successful person or the most positive person you know are among the saddest person in world.
I remember when I was suffering in this kind of illness, depression.. it almost took my life. There were countless times when I just wanted to die. I fought for it so hard.. For months, I just locked myself in my apartment, lights off, doors and windows closed. I shut down my world. I don’t talk to friends, family, relatives and colleagues. However, I managed to still go to work, trying hard to function and to live. For months, I was just crying, not eating properly and I was just drinking alcohol or coffee. But I don’t let my son notice that there’s something wrong with me, I was fighting for him. He was the reason why I survived and still surviving.
Sometimes I just wish to have a cancer, tumor or any kind of sickness that people will understand. If you have this kind of illness, people will support you, they can help you and it is something that’s curable. But depression, is up and down. Society doesn’t understand depression.
I was battling depression with pain on my own way. I saw myself on the floor, crying, sober, drunk, alone… I sometimes jump up and will go straight to the bathroom, with my clothes on, I will take a shower, kneel down and cry out loud again. I saw myself in the balcony, with a cigarette and beer on my hand, looking to nowhere… thinking to jump.. then I will just go to my bed and cry again.. Couple of times, I called him.. crying, pleading to take me back.. to come back.. to tell me the truth.. pleading my heart out.. telling him how much I love him.. then I will just find myself on the floor again, cuddling myself, cigarette and bottle of alcohol everywhere.
With the help of my boss, I decided to seek professional help but I was so afraid coz people will judge you if you have a mental health problem. They don’t understand “depression” for them if you suffer in this kind of sickness.. you are weak, mentally ill and going crazy. For them, you are just a drama queen, looking for some attention. They don’t understand the pain in your heart. They don’t understand how you battle to be just fine and survive.
Depression is deadly. It is something that you cannot control. Like an illness, this is something that you don’t want to have. It is up and down, come and go. It’s pain is unpredictable and unbearable.