I am still struggling to be fine and to look happy. There are moments that I look back and think about what happened, think what went wrong and can’t believe it, what happened to my marriage and to my family.
I always think about my son’s future, I worry about his future. I also think about myself, if I will be happy again or find happiness again; if I can still love and be loved. I have so many things in my mind, but I managed to live everyday stronger and able to wear the mask of happiness.
Deep inside, I am bleeding.. I feel alone and very sad.
Slowly I am gathering myself again, getting back my confidence and most of all my appetite. I gaining back the weight I lost. But I can never gain back the time that I have lost and the trust that has been betrayed.
There is no day that I don’t think about my son, my family, my husband and his other woman, then immediately I will just wear the mask of happiness and think of something else.
I honestly pray and hope that one day, the pain will just be all gone. I don’t want to think about my past. I don’t want to feel what is missing in my life. There are moments as well that unconsciously I am checking my ring finger, then suddenly I will remember that the ring which I is used to be there for about 17 years, is permanently gone. Then I will start to think of something else again and wear the mask of happiness.
There are times that I am about to break again when I feel so tired because I have no one. When there are school activities and parents are required to attend, I can’t help it but to feel empty. I have no one to count on. When my son has a soccer training or tournament and I have to carry all of his things.. I feel tired. I just want to give up. Then I will realize that I have already survived the beginning and have gathered myself up already and why will I give up now. These are just stupid bags but the burdens I carry are heavier. Why will I give up now?! Then I will start to think of something else again and wear the mask of happiness.
There are moments too that I want to be alone, just to embrace myself my sad lonely self. But then I will realize I am not alone. I have my family and most of all, my SON. The source of my strength. The reason of my life. I have survived the beginning of the battle because of MY SON. I am fighting and will continuously to fight until the end for my son. I worry about him. I worry about his future. I don’t want him to feel alone. I don’t want him to feel empty. I don’t want him to feel that he has no one. When I think of these things, I remember a friend told me to forget about the past, live in the present and don’t worry about the future. Then I will start to wear the mask of happiness again.
Wearing the mask of happiness somehow helps me to survive and collect myself again. There is a saying, fake it until you make it. Maybe this is true. I live the day as it passes. I live in the present. I don’t plan. I do whatever pleases me and I really don’t care about what other people think about me. Anyway, they don’t know what’s in my mask of happiness.