Survive and be ALIVE!

I am Czachi Menor-Reyes, I wanted to write that I am a depression survivor but I can’t. I was so busy and after my son broke the TV I have no access in the news today. I just learned that Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade died today. Both committed suicide.

Who will thought that someone like Kate Spade and Robin Williams were suffering of depression. Sometimes, the most successful person or the most positive person you know are among the saddest person in world.

I remember when I was suffering in this kind of illness, depression.. it almost took my life. There were countless times when I just wanted to die. I fought for it so hard.. For months, I just locked myself in my apartment, lights off, doors and windows closed. I shut down my world. I don’t talk to friends, family, relatives and colleagues. However, I managed to still go to work, trying hard to function and to live. For months, I was just crying, not eating properly and I was just drinking alcohol or coffee. But I don’t let my son notice that there’s something wrong with me, I was fighting for him. He was the reason why I survived and still surviving.

Sometimes I just wish to have a cancer, tumor or any kind of sickness that people will understand. If you have this kind of illness, people will support you, they can help you and it is something that’s curable. But depression, is up and down. Society doesn’t understand depression.

I was battling depression with pain on my own way. I saw myself on the floor, crying, sober, drunk, alone… I sometimes jump up and will go straight to the bathroom, with my clothes on, I will take a shower, kneel down and cry out loud again. I saw myself in the balcony, with a cigarette and beer on my hand, looking to nowhere… thinking to jump.. then I will just go to my bed and cry again.. Couple of times, I called him.. crying, pleading to take me back.. to come back.. to tell me the truth.. pleading my heart out.. telling him how much I love him.. then I will just find myself on the floor again, cuddling myself, cigarette and bottle of alcohol everywhere.

With the help of my boss, I decided to seek professional help but I was so afraid coz people will judge you if you have a mental health problem. They don’t understand “depression” for them if you suffer in this kind of sickness.. you are weak, mentally ill and going crazy. For them, you are just a drama queen, looking for some attention. They don’t understand the pain in your heart. They don’t understand how you battle to be just fine and survive.

Depression is deadly. It is something that you cannot control. Like an illness, this is something that you don’t want to have. It is up and down, come and go. It’s pain is unpredictable and unbearable.

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Under the moon, a girl look up the sky, starring the clouds float like a cotton in the sky.

Cold breeze blew her face and a sudden sadness embraces her heart.

She once believed she was happy. She once believed she is secured. She once believed she almost have everything. She was a lucky girl.

She was contented, walking on the street, turning in a dark alley coz she knows he got her back. She knows he will always be there to protect her.

Looking down on her shadow, she sees an empty soul.. a lonely girl, a broken pieces of happiness..

Tears flow out of her eyes.. if she can just pick up her broken pieces of happiness, she will not have a second thought to put them back. If she can just embrace her own empty heart to ease the pain, she will hold it and comfort it gently to take away her sadness.

The girl look out and watch the dancing light of the city.. Cool breeze kisses her cheeks again.. she feels her broken heart. She holds her chest and feel the pain.. tears run down from her eyes.. feeling empty and alone..

She feels the pain.. she knows deep in her heart she still loves him.. she misses him so much.. she hold her chest and cried..

She wanted to beg for his love, to take her back again, she wants to hug him and kiss him… and the pain is unbearable.. unbelievably intolerable .. she realized and felt that he can never love her again.. he will not take her back anymore.. his heart belongs to someone else.. silently she cried..

The girl will love him secretly. She will love him from afar. She will love him forever. She cries as she thinks, she loves him and she is setting him free.. she will be happy to see his happiness, she will be happy to see him fall in love again.. silently, tears run down from her eyes.. the girl holds her hand, pinch herself, tap her chest to calm her down.. in pain she comfort her own.. she cries looking the dark clouds covering the bright moon.. she cries in pain..

Defenseless and Pain

I am defenseless

Under a broken trust

I wanna run away, never say goodbye

Truth can never give me freedom

I will always be alone

I will always be defenseless

I always wonder why

But even I know the answer

It will not make a difference

I have survived lies

Shut the doors for freedom

I have learned to live in a dream,

In a world I make

I stopped.

I am defenseless

I always see myself crawling at night

Looking for the same familiar warmth

Even I close my eyes, It’s you who I see

I always hear your familiar voice in my head

I am defenseless

I want to be the answer in your question

I want to be the one who feed your hunger

I want to be the place where you can find rest

I want to be your energy, I want to be your everything.

I want to be yours..

I tried so hard but in the end it doesn’t really matter..

Everything will be just a memory now..

A memory of happiness and love, pain and sadness..

I am so confuse, starring my own reflection..

Controlling all my emotions..

I am not expecting anyone to take me out from this darkness.. my life.. my brokenness.. I have survived.. I live what I’ve learned.. this is me still wanting you.. my heart still longs for you.. my soul still waits for you.. I am defenseless..

I am defenseless….

Yes, I still may love you..

but my heart can never forget the pain.. I live under a broken trust, I live in the world of lies..

If this is my destiny, I can take this.. I can take the blame.. I can always fake a smile for you..

I am defenseless with a heart full of pain..

Mask of HAPPINESS

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I am still struggling to be fine and to look happy. There are moments that I look back and think about what happened, think what went wrong and can’t believe it, what happened to my marriage and to my family.

I always think about my son’s future, I worry about his future. I also think about myself, if I will be happy again or find happiness again; if I can still love and be loved. I have so many things in my mind, but I managed to live everyday stronger and able to wear the mask of happiness.

Deep inside, I am bleeding.. I feel alone and very sad.

Slowly I am gathering myself again, getting back my confidence and most of all my appetite. I gaining back the weight I lost. But I can never gain back the time that I have lost and the trust that has been betrayed.

There is no day that I don’t think about my son, my family, my husband and his other woman, then immediately I will just wear the mask of happiness and think of something else.

I honestly pray and hope that one day, the pain will just be all gone. I don’t want to think about my past. I don’t want to feel what is missing in my life. There are moments as well that unconsciously I am checking my ring finger, then suddenly I will remember that the ring which I is used to be there for about 17 years, is permanently gone. Then I will start to think of something else again and wear the mask of happiness.

There are times that I am about to break again when I feel so tired because I have no one. When there are school activities and parents are required to attend, I can’t help it but to feel empty. I have no one to count on. When my son has a soccer training or tournament and I have to carry all of his things.. I feel tired. I just want to give up. Then I will realize that I have already survived the beginning and have gathered myself up already and why will I give up now. These are just stupid bags but the burdens I carry are heavier. Why will I give up now?! Then I will start to think of something else again and wear the mask of happiness.

There are moments too that I want to be alone, just to embrace myself my sad lonely self. But then I will realize I am not alone. I have my family and most of all, my SON. The source of my strength. The reason of my life. I have survived the beginning of the battle because of MY SON. I am fighting and will continuously to fight until the end for my son. I worry about him. I worry about his future. I don’t want him to feel alone. I don’t want him to feel empty. I don’t want him to feel that he has no one. When I think of these things, I remember a friend told me to forget about the past, live in the present and don’t worry about the future. Then I will start to wear the mask of happiness again.

Wearing the mask of happiness somehow helps me to survive and collect myself again. There is a saying, fake it until you make it. Maybe this is true. I live the day as it passes. I live in the present. I don’t plan. I do whatever pleases me and I really don’t care about what other people think about me. Anyway, they don’t know what’s in my mask of happiness.

 

An open letter for my son


If mommy could just turn back time, I’ll make things right for you baby.. If mommy can just turn back time, I’ll start all over again for you my son.. If mommy can just turn back time to give you happy memories only, I’ll do it for you my child.. 

But mommy is only human, I can’t turn back time.. I can only learn from my own mistakes.. I can’t turn back time.. I can only grow stronger.. I can’t turn back time.. I can only make things better.. 

Remember this my child, mommy will always love you and will always be here for you to protect you.. You are too young to understand everything right now, but I know you are smart, you can sense what is going on.. I can see it from your eyes.. I see you when you are upset, disturbed and confused.. I can feel your sadness and emptiness but still you are patiently trying to figure things out. You are listening and observing, but you never questioned. I know, I can feel your heart.. you are confused, bothered and in pain too but you were never demanding to look for an answer. 

You are my most precious and you don’t deserve this.. you don’t deserve the pain, the sadness and the confusion that I, we have made. You don’t deserve to be in the middle of all these mess. 

One day, if you will able to read this, remember mommy.. remember me, my son, every single night, mommy stares at you and start crying.. asking myself, why you.. why you.. what did I do?! Where I have gone wrong?! You don’t deserve this..

There are lots of families in the world, no food to eat, no clothes to wear, no water to drink, but they were able to keep their family as one. There are less educated husband and wife out there but they were able to keep the sacrament of marriage. There are thousand of families on earth with no money to spent, no shelter to live but they were able to live as husband and wife.. why you my son?! Why you?!.. you don’t deserve this.. 


But mommy will never give up on you.. Mommy will try her best to make you a better person, to make you a better MAN. 


Mommy will always be here to fight for you and protect you.. whatever happen, remember my son, mommy loves you so much and know this my child, mommy fought for you.. mommy fought for your family, mommy kneeled down in her knees to keep your identity, to have a family you can call on your own.. mommy begged down to keep your daddy… mommy will do everything for you.. I love you so much my son…


I LOVE YOU SO MUCH MY CHILD… 

The day when a lioness was born

img_761335 years ago at 3:00 a.m. in a small town out of nowhere a lioness was born. She cannot even consider herself as a city girl coz her roots always belongs to the mountains and sea of Batangas. She was born to be a strong woman, a believer, a dreamer and a conqueror!

Her mother carried her for 9 months and delivered her on a normal delivery on top of the stairs of their own old ancestral house. Her auntie took her out of her mother’s womb while her father, in the middle of a storm, was rushing down of the mountain to get help and a proper doctor.

She was raced well with love and respect with faith and belief in God’s love and promises. Her parents fought hard to keep their family intact. Her mother sacrificed a lot to support the family and keep the family. Her father surely did the same sacrifice to keep the family as ONE, gives a lot of patience and strength to race her.

14 August 1982, this LIONESS was born not to be pathetic and beg for your love and attention! This lioness will conquer the world and can find her true happiness! This lioness was born not to step down from her throne, she will be THE forever Queen, and NO ONE can dethroned her!

The LIONESS will stand and fight against all odds!

 

 

The day when the dreamer woke up

Tired but feeling fuller

Stressed but feeling extremely excited

Exhausted but feeling energized

Broken but feeling positive

They said that when one door closes there will always be a next door that will open.

I will not pain beat me but I will use this pain and emptiness to win my self back! I will not be the loser! I am not born to be a bitter. I am a strong woman, stronger than what you think.

Excited to announce that my dream will come true soon..