Mask of HAPPINESS

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I am still struggling to be fine and to look happy. There are moments that I look back and think about what happened, think what went wrong and can’t believe it, what happened to my marriage and to my family.

I always think about my son’s future, I worry about his future. I also think about myself, if I will be happy again or find happiness again; if I can still love and be loved. I have so many things in my mind, but I managed to live everyday stronger and able to wear the mask of happiness.

Deep inside, I am bleeding.. I feel alone and very sad.

Slowly I am gathering myself again, getting back my confidence and most of all my appetite. I gaining back the weight I lost. But I can never gain back the time that I have lost and the trust that has been betrayed.

There is no day that I don’t think about my son, my family, my husband and his other woman, then immediately I will just wear the mask of happiness and think of something else.

I honestly pray and hope that one day, the pain will just be all gone. I don’t want to think about my past. I don’t want to feel what is missing in my life. There are moments as well that unconsciously I am checking my ring finger, then suddenly I will remember that the ring which I is used to be there for about 17 years, is permanently gone. Then I will start to think of something else again and wear the mask of happiness.

There are times that I am about to break again when I feel so tired because I have no one. When there are school activities and parents are required to attend, I can’t help it but to feel empty. I have no one to count on. When my son has a soccer training or tournament and I have to carry all of his things.. I feel tired. I just want to give up. Then I will realize that I have already survived the beginning and have gathered myself up already and why will I give up now. These are just stupid bags but the burdens I carry are heavier. Why will I give up now?! Then I will start to think of something else again and wear the mask of happiness.

There are moments too that I want to be alone, just to embrace myself my sad lonely self. But then I will realize I am not alone. I have my family and most of all, my SON. The source of my strength. The reason of my life. I have survived the beginning of the battle because of MY SON. I am fighting and will continuously to fight until the end for my son. I worry about him. I worry about his future. I don’t want him to feel alone. I don’t want him to feel empty. I don’t want him to feel that he has no one. When I think of these things, I remember a friend told me to forget about the past, live in the present and don’t worry about the future. Then I will start to wear the mask of happiness again.

Wearing the mask of happiness somehow helps me to survive and collect myself again. There is a saying, fake it until you make it. Maybe this is true. I live the day as it passes. I live in the present. I don’t plan. I do whatever pleases me and I really don’t care about what other people think about me. Anyway, they don’t know what’s in my mask of happiness.

 

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An open letter for my son


If mommy could just turn back time, I’ll make things right for you baby.. If mommy can just turn back time, I’ll start all over again for you my son.. If mommy can just turn back time to give you happy memories only, I’ll do it for you my child.. 

But mommy is only human, I can’t turn back time.. I can only learn from my own mistakes.. I can’t turn back time.. I can only grow stronger.. I can’t turn back time.. I can only make things better.. 

Remember this my child, mommy will always love you and will always be here for you to protect you.. You are too young to understand everything right now, but I know you are smart, you can sense what is going on.. I can see it from your eyes.. I see you when you are upset, disturbed and confused.. I can feel your sadness and emptiness but still you are patiently trying to figure things out. You are listening and observing, but you never questioned. I know, I can feel your heart.. you are confused, bothered and in pain too but you were never demanding to look for an answer. 

You are my most precious and you don’t deserve this.. you don’t deserve the pain, the sadness and the confusion that I, we have made. You don’t deserve to be in the middle of all these mess. 

One day, if you will able to read this, remember mommy.. remember me, my son, every single night, mommy stares at you and start crying.. asking myself, why you.. why you.. what did I do?! Where I have gone wrong?! You don’t deserve this..

There are lots of families in the world, no food to eat, no clothes to wear, no water to drink, but they were able to keep their family as one. There are less educated husband and wife out there but they were able to keep the sacrament of marriage. There are thousand of families on earth with no money to spent, no shelter to live but they were able to live as husband and wife.. why you my son?! Why you?!.. you don’t deserve this.. 


But mommy will never give up on you.. Mommy will try her best to make you a better person, to make you a better MAN. 


Mommy will always be here to fight for you and protect you.. whatever happen, remember my son, mommy loves you so much and know this my child, mommy fought for you.. mommy fought for your family, mommy kneeled down in her knees to keep your identity, to have a family you can call on your own.. mommy begged down to keep your daddy… mommy will do everything for you.. I love you so much my son…


I LOVE YOU SO MUCH MY CHILD… 

The day when a lioness was born

img_761335 years ago at 3:00 a.m. in a small town out of nowhere a lioness was born. She cannot even consider herself as a city girl coz her roots always belongs to the mountains and sea of Batangas. She was born to be a strong woman, a believer, a dreamer and a conqueror!

Her mother carried her for 9 months and delivered her on a normal delivery on top of the stairs of their own old ancestral house. Her auntie took her out of her mother’s womb while her father, in the middle of a storm, was rushing down of the mountain to get help and a proper doctor.

She was raced well with love and respect with faith and belief in God’s love and promises. Her parents fought hard to keep their family intact. Her mother sacrificed a lot to support the family and keep the family. Her father surely did the same sacrifice to keep the family as ONE, gives a lot of patience and strength to race her.

14 August 1982, this LIONESS was born not to be pathetic and beg for your love and attention! This lioness will conquer the world and can find her true happiness! This lioness was born not to step down from her throne, she will be THE forever Queen, and NO ONE can dethroned her!

The LIONESS will stand and fight against all odds!

 

 

The day when the dreamer woke up

Tired but feeling fuller

Stressed but feeling extremely excited

Exhausted but feeling energized

Broken but feeling positive

They said that when one door closes there will always be a next door that will open.

I will not pain beat me but I will use this pain and emptiness to win my self back! I will not be the loser! I am not born to be a bitter. I am a strong woman, stronger than what you think.

Excited to announce that my dream will come true soon..

A heart full of anger

You are too weak to tell in front of me the things you wanted to say and I wanted to hear. You are such a baby! You cannot walk on your own! Are you just afraid to tell the truth or to hurt me?! You have caused me too much pain! 

Time, space and freedom is different from the separation you want! From now on, I will stand on my own, I will give the fight you want! I will play the game you want to play. 

You don’t deserve my love and attention! You are too weak! You blame it to me?! I don’t deserve rejection. It takes two to tango! I have flaws but that doesn’t mean you have the right to break the vows we made before God, you have faults too but that doesn’t mean we can break the marriage, the commitment we made just because of our mistakes. 

But you are weak! You cannot just leave me hanging while you play around safely. You want to play safely. You don’t deserve my respect at all coz you don’t respect me! 

I don’t want my son to grow like you. I will protect my son and make him strong. I will do this alone! 


This is my space! Leave me alone! My blog and my life. 

No words can express the pain


After seeing you today..

Felt the distance and coldness..

It echoed to my ears the separation you wanted.. it reminded me the rejection.. the time when I found out the reality.. yet here you are to blame it all to me.. why I look like always to be the villain in your eyes..

No words can express the pain.. and I just put them into canvas

Emotional battle 

You may think that I am a good wife. I receive a lot of messages of encouragement, admirations and support. I must confess, the emotional battle that I am going through is not easy. The depression is up and down. There are dark moments and lighter days. And no! I am not a good wife. I blame myself and I blame this other person (husband) for the lies, I blame the other woman for being immoral and being a slut! I blame them and so angry with them! 

I get angry, I laugh, I still feel that I am in-love with my husband, laugh again, smile, angry again, sadness strike, I feel desperate and empty most of the time… and get angry again. I yell.. and get angry again.. 

I don’t want to fill my heart with anger. It is not healthy physically, emotionally and mentally. I fight this emotional battle ALONE. I don’t want to be bitter forever.. I just want a peaceful mind, healing and inner peace. 

Yes, I write kind words for my husband and I honestly mean them. But it’s so difficult to fight the emotions and how will I learn to unloved this person if the feelings is still too strong. 

Am I afraid to be alone?! I don’t know how to live without you… but technically I am alone and I am living without you. Guess what, I am still here, surviving and fighting.

My anger is like an active volcano that erupts once in a while. I am trying to control them, but trust me it is not easy. I am trying to unloved this person who hurts me so bad, who caused me so much pain and sadness. I will win this. I can win this emotional battle. I will not fill my heart with anger but with compassionate and love. I have a forgiving heart. I will not live with anger. I will learn to unloved you by prayers. I can calm my emotions.